Depression vs Duty

I was only 39 years old, with a lovely family and a good husband, but I was spiraling down into depression. One day, I just could not get my head above water and be productive. I could only cry, and cry and cry. By lunch time, I went out to a park to walk and cry thinking maybe I could get all the crying out. I was not suicidal but I just wanted to “get away from it all.” I thought I would drive somewhere—anywhere—until I ran out of gasoline and then would figure it out from there. I thought of going to Santa Barbara, or Bakersfield, somewhere far. By the time I decided to do something, it was already 2:00pm.

I was reminded that I promised my son I would be at his cub scout meeting where they were putting on a skit about Indians. In the morning he reminded me to be there. Of course I said yes. This conversation came to my mind. How could I disappoint him? I was his mother.

So I fought to get a hold of myself, dried my eyes, and took a deep breath. When I arrived, all the scouts were already there as the leader had picked them up from school. I’m sure I looked a mess with puffy eyes, red nose, and parched lips. The leader greeted me cordially and I took a seat with the other mothers. We applauded the boys and had cupcakes afterward. The Lord covered me with grace and surrounded me with loving people. No one asked me anything which was good as I don’t think I could have held it together.

When we left, the leader showed us out the door of her home. She leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Let me know if I can help.” We were off on our way home. I was so close to doing something rash—disappointing my son, and causing worry to the rest of my family.

As soon as we are reminded that our choices impact others who depend on us, we can choose to rise up and keep going. Thank God for loving friends who can support without being intrusive. I thank God He brought me through using the cub scouts.